[ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
stand and dig in our heels over small issues. Let me suggest that you write a hierarchal list of concerns and resolve them one at a time.
If you begin to feel stressed by the tortoise-like pace of change, throw on your best sundress, some cute sandals, and head to the nearest coffee shop. After a
scone (or two) and some cappuccino, you will find your balance again. It will be even more fun if you ask a friend to go with you.
6. Avoid the blame game. Externalizing blame is a major indicator of passive-aggressive tendencies. Therefore, you can depend on its happening. The solution is
easy; do not accept blame unless you are in fact responsible. Let's go back to Sage and Dennis. If Sage bought a car, she should accept responsibility (Yes, I
bought a new car. Now, may we return to the issue?). Notice that she did not accept responsibility for financial difficulties. Dennis can learn how to respond
adaptively when Sage models appropriate, mature behavior.
Attempting to place the blame on Sage (obviously he doesn't want to paint anyway) is a diversionary tactic. It is the emotional equivalent of setting off a
smoke bomb. Sage doesn't need to defend herself. She has tried that in the past (so have you). Did it help? Hint: People make mistakes. We are human.
Perfection is boring and annoying. Knowing whom to blame is not a solution. Refuse to play that game.
I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get
mad at myself?
Yogi Berra
7. There is strength in numbers. Remember that friend with whom you sipped cappuccino at the coffee shop? Having these individuals in your life to share
7. There is strength in numbers. Remember that friend with whom you sipped cappuccino at the coffee shop? Having these individuals in your life to share
laughs, pains, and the minutiae of life is spiritually healing.
Much blaming and criticizing goes on in a home that harbors a Quietly Angry person. These caustic traits poison the air you breathe just as surely as
chlorine or sarin gas. You need a consoling, accepting environment to clear your lungs and to remind you that most relationships are not toxic.
8 . Evaluate your strengths and weaknesses. We all have our strengths and our weaknesses. Relationship skills can be feeble or robust, depending on our
interpretation of their value. Notice that independence is on the same continuum with intimacy.
Independence_____healthy_____intimacy_____
Since you are reading this chapter, I must assume your partner has not yet arrived at a healthy balance. Nonetheless, he has exhibited some aptitude for intimacy
or you would not have fallen in love with him. Humans yearn for closeness, even when they steadfastly cling to indifference.
We have strengths because we have cultivated them. They were important to us at some time in our lives. In your mate's early life, independence may have had
survival benefits. Now, that early protective skill is maintaining a painful loneliness in your relationship. Any effort to brave his fear of intimacy will move him
closer to the middle. With patience, persistence, motivation (his) and, perhaps, an experienced therapist your relationship can grow. I promise.
The Bottom Line
You have modeled appropriate behavior, resisted pushing or criticizing him, made him aware of self-help options, and assertively asked for what you need, and
nothing has worked. You cannot find a distinguishable iota of growth. There is scant evidence that he yearns for propinquity.
You cannot take full responsibility for your relationship, even though you may believe you can save it if you just try a little harder. At some point, and only you
know where that point lies, hope dwindles. Ask yourself some questions and pay very close attention to your answers:
" What is the very least that I will accept in a relationship?
" How much am I willing to invest?
" What is my ideal relationship (that is still reasonably attainable)?
" How close am I to that relationship?
" What are my options?
" Do I love him?
" What do I love about him?
" Can I grow in this relationship (reach my potential)?
" Can I be myself?
After you have considered these questions, then consider the realties of life. Realities may include financial survival, children, where you will live, whether you
have an adequate support system, and many other essentials.
Talk with friends, consider options, and give yourself time to adequately evaluate your situation. I wish you happiness.
There are men who are also vain, egocentric, and occasionally ruthless. They make wonderfully successful businesspeople and politicians. Learn more about
them in the next chapter.
The Passive-Aggressive Test
1. Does he frequently procrastinate?
YES No
2. Is he negative and woebegone much of the time?
YES No
3. Does he blame others for the misery in his life?
YES No
4. Does he seem to do things wrong on purpose?
YES No
5. Has he had issues due to his negative attitude at work?
YES No
6. Is he less successful than he might be due to his inability to work with others?
YES No
7. Does he blame his employers and coworkers for his career problems?
YES No
8. Does he have few, if any friends?
YES No
9. Is he resentful and critical of authority?
YES No
10. Does he resist doing anything you ask of him?
YES No
11. Does he frequently sulk?
YES No
YES No
12. Has he been diagnosed with depression?
YES No
13. Does he frequently use the excuse I forgot to avoid taking responsibility for his actions?
YES No
14. Does he spend more time complaining than doing his share of the household chores?
YES No
15. Have you thought that his behavior is adolescent?
YES No
Scoring the Test
Give one point for each yes answer.
Scores 1 to 5
The scores in this group are low, and that means either he has few of the passive-aggressive tendencies or you have been very kind in scoring the test. A man can
be relatively moody or sulky and have this many (or more) passive-aggressive traits. Unless he also has traits from other maladjusted personality types, he should be
amendable to change if he is committed to your relationship. Gentle is the best strategy at this low score level. Tell him how you feel about him and your
relationship and why you want him to adjust his behavior. He may have some requests to make also and this gives him an opening. Perhaps you simply want
moderation in some behaviors. List the behaviors you consider maladaptive and tell him what behaviors you prefer. If he frequently forgets chores or promises,
ask him what the two of you can do to remedy that issue. It is possible he is simply getting forgetful; sadly that is not unusual in our hurried and aging population.
Remember to compliment him on his loving behaviors.
Scores 6 to 10
He has a moderate level of passive-aggressive tendencies, but he is still amendable to change. Follow the suggestions for the former scoring group. If that doesn't
lead to positive changes, talk with him again about the behaviors you are targeting and add the natural and/or imposed consequences. If he still forgets his [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
zanotowane.pl doc.pisz.pl pdf.pisz.pl chiara76.opx.pl
stand and dig in our heels over small issues. Let me suggest that you write a hierarchal list of concerns and resolve them one at a time.
If you begin to feel stressed by the tortoise-like pace of change, throw on your best sundress, some cute sandals, and head to the nearest coffee shop. After a
scone (or two) and some cappuccino, you will find your balance again. It will be even more fun if you ask a friend to go with you.
6. Avoid the blame game. Externalizing blame is a major indicator of passive-aggressive tendencies. Therefore, you can depend on its happening. The solution is
easy; do not accept blame unless you are in fact responsible. Let's go back to Sage and Dennis. If Sage bought a car, she should accept responsibility (Yes, I
bought a new car. Now, may we return to the issue?). Notice that she did not accept responsibility for financial difficulties. Dennis can learn how to respond
adaptively when Sage models appropriate, mature behavior.
Attempting to place the blame on Sage (obviously he doesn't want to paint anyway) is a diversionary tactic. It is the emotional equivalent of setting off a
smoke bomb. Sage doesn't need to defend herself. She has tried that in the past (so have you). Did it help? Hint: People make mistakes. We are human.
Perfection is boring and annoying. Knowing whom to blame is not a solution. Refuse to play that game.
I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get
mad at myself?
Yogi Berra
7. There is strength in numbers. Remember that friend with whom you sipped cappuccino at the coffee shop? Having these individuals in your life to share
7. There is strength in numbers. Remember that friend with whom you sipped cappuccino at the coffee shop? Having these individuals in your life to share
laughs, pains, and the minutiae of life is spiritually healing.
Much blaming and criticizing goes on in a home that harbors a Quietly Angry person. These caustic traits poison the air you breathe just as surely as
chlorine or sarin gas. You need a consoling, accepting environment to clear your lungs and to remind you that most relationships are not toxic.
8 . Evaluate your strengths and weaknesses. We all have our strengths and our weaknesses. Relationship skills can be feeble or robust, depending on our
interpretation of their value. Notice that independence is on the same continuum with intimacy.
Independence_____healthy_____intimacy_____
Since you are reading this chapter, I must assume your partner has not yet arrived at a healthy balance. Nonetheless, he has exhibited some aptitude for intimacy
or you would not have fallen in love with him. Humans yearn for closeness, even when they steadfastly cling to indifference.
We have strengths because we have cultivated them. They were important to us at some time in our lives. In your mate's early life, independence may have had
survival benefits. Now, that early protective skill is maintaining a painful loneliness in your relationship. Any effort to brave his fear of intimacy will move him
closer to the middle. With patience, persistence, motivation (his) and, perhaps, an experienced therapist your relationship can grow. I promise.
The Bottom Line
You have modeled appropriate behavior, resisted pushing or criticizing him, made him aware of self-help options, and assertively asked for what you need, and
nothing has worked. You cannot find a distinguishable iota of growth. There is scant evidence that he yearns for propinquity.
You cannot take full responsibility for your relationship, even though you may believe you can save it if you just try a little harder. At some point, and only you
know where that point lies, hope dwindles. Ask yourself some questions and pay very close attention to your answers:
" What is the very least that I will accept in a relationship?
" How much am I willing to invest?
" What is my ideal relationship (that is still reasonably attainable)?
" How close am I to that relationship?
" What are my options?
" Do I love him?
" What do I love about him?
" Can I grow in this relationship (reach my potential)?
" Can I be myself?
After you have considered these questions, then consider the realties of life. Realities may include financial survival, children, where you will live, whether you
have an adequate support system, and many other essentials.
Talk with friends, consider options, and give yourself time to adequately evaluate your situation. I wish you happiness.
There are men who are also vain, egocentric, and occasionally ruthless. They make wonderfully successful businesspeople and politicians. Learn more about
them in the next chapter.
The Passive-Aggressive Test
1. Does he frequently procrastinate?
YES No
2. Is he negative and woebegone much of the time?
YES No
3. Does he blame others for the misery in his life?
YES No
4. Does he seem to do things wrong on purpose?
YES No
5. Has he had issues due to his negative attitude at work?
YES No
6. Is he less successful than he might be due to his inability to work with others?
YES No
7. Does he blame his employers and coworkers for his career problems?
YES No
8. Does he have few, if any friends?
YES No
9. Is he resentful and critical of authority?
YES No
10. Does he resist doing anything you ask of him?
YES No
11. Does he frequently sulk?
YES No
YES No
12. Has he been diagnosed with depression?
YES No
13. Does he frequently use the excuse I forgot to avoid taking responsibility for his actions?
YES No
14. Does he spend more time complaining than doing his share of the household chores?
YES No
15. Have you thought that his behavior is adolescent?
YES No
Scoring the Test
Give one point for each yes answer.
Scores 1 to 5
The scores in this group are low, and that means either he has few of the passive-aggressive tendencies or you have been very kind in scoring the test. A man can
be relatively moody or sulky and have this many (or more) passive-aggressive traits. Unless he also has traits from other maladjusted personality types, he should be
amendable to change if he is committed to your relationship. Gentle is the best strategy at this low score level. Tell him how you feel about him and your
relationship and why you want him to adjust his behavior. He may have some requests to make also and this gives him an opening. Perhaps you simply want
moderation in some behaviors. List the behaviors you consider maladaptive and tell him what behaviors you prefer. If he frequently forgets chores or promises,
ask him what the two of you can do to remedy that issue. It is possible he is simply getting forgetful; sadly that is not unusual in our hurried and aging population.
Remember to compliment him on his loving behaviors.
Scores 6 to 10
He has a moderate level of passive-aggressive tendencies, but he is still amendable to change. Follow the suggestions for the former scoring group. If that doesn't
lead to positive changes, talk with him again about the behaviors you are targeting and add the natural and/or imposed consequences. If he still forgets his [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]